Grief — Take Control of the Process

As you get past your first few days or weeks of grieving you have to start thinking on how to live again.  Some people have the luxury of plenty of time to mourn or grieve.   Most people have responsibilities to handle.  Bill collectors don’t care if you aren’t at your best.  Many times the loss of a loved one magnifies the responsibility of the one left behind.  Stress and grief can be a nasty combination.

I would think that the people who pass away would not want the ones they leave behind to suffer.  They would want to be missed but to be a cause of pain.

There are two schools of thought.  One is to deal with grief as it comes.  Got with the flow.  The other is to take control of your grief rather than letting it control you.

I believe very strongly in taking control.  This is supported by the points in the first paragraph.

Instead of letting grief drag you down into depression, take control.  The first thing to do is to set up a scheduled time to grieve.  Don’t try to stop the grief and sadness that hits you out of no-where, but also grieve at your scheduled time too.  Induce it, or start it.  I started my grieving by listening to one particular song.  It was, “Kiss from a Rose” by Seal.

seal

It was my daughter’s favorite song at the time of her death.  It was easy, and made me a blubbering mess every time.  I decided when it started and when it stopped.  I quickly found that the times that I fell apart unexpectedly became fewer and fewer.  I also found that It was easier to face the day and get done what I needed to.  Over time it became harder and harder to start grieving at the scheduled time.  Eventually that phased itself out.  I grieve once in a while for my daughter, but it refreshes me and never controls me.

I would love to hear similar or opposing thoughts on this one.

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Grief and Depression — Separate them.

Grief and Depression go together sometimes but are not the same thing.  Grief comes from the loss of something or someone who you care about.  Depression can be much more complicated and enveloping.  Basically its being unhappy to some degree.  Depression can be simple and short-term or complicated and long-term.  When you lose someone and are Grieving, keep in mind the differences.  Early on, Grief can be a “500 lb Gorilla on your back.”

You can Grieve but smile too!

You can Grieve but smile too!

 

Taking your next breath can be difficult, but it’s a process.  At some point you will forget for a little while.  Kind of by accident you will feel normal and “OK.”  Then you will remember and go back to Grieving.  Feeling guilty about feeling good for a little while can happen.  It’s OK to feel good.  Getting a break from grief is good.  Put into your mind that Grieving is a process of getting yourself back to being happy and functional.  You want to embrace “Grief” as a process while avoiding “Depression” as best you can.  Grief is a process, Depression is a result.

Our next blog will focus on taking control of your grief.

This blog sponsored by CMG Sprinkler and Drain.

Coping with Death — Exercise — Exercise — Exercise —

exercise picture 1

Many studies show that all kinds of wonderful endorphin’s are released from Cardiovascular  Exercise.  After a tragedy, some people must take prescribed drugs to keep it together.  They definitely have there place.  You can’t get addicted to your own endorphin’s.  Exercise revives you down to the cellular level.  This can really help you deal with the Grief and Loss of a “loved one.”

exercise picture 2

Use this as a tool to bring yourself back from the edge.  Don’t make the same old excuses.  Give yourself a chance!  Get off your butt!

Grief in stages

Coping with the death of a loved one is the hardest thing many of us will ever do.  It’s riding the waves in the middle of a hurricane.

waves2

In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what became known as the “five stages of grief.” This is a basic structure that has been adopted by a lot of people in a lot of places.

The five stages of grief:

  • Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
  • Anger: Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
  • Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
  • Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
  • Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

 

Not everyone goes through each stage in any particular order.  Some people skip some stages and focus more on others.  Many emotions may accompany several different stages.  Yes “Anger” and “Depression” are emotions to some degree.  They may be accompanied by other emotions at the same time.  “Fear” can go along with Anger for example.

Take the above stages as a basic list that you will experience completely or partially after your loss.  It won’t move cleanly from once stage to another.  Jumping back and forth is common.

For me, I dealt with extreme sorrow and depression first.  The Initial shock lasted all the way up to my daughter’s funeral.   Leaving the hospital I had to go to an empty house and pick out cloths for Allyson to wear to her funeral.    I chose a floral dress that she liked.  When I was alone the “Bargaining” phase kicked in hard.   For me it was short and very desperate.  Whatever I promised God at that point didn’t fly.  I didn’t wake up and she didn’t come back.  I knew it wouldn’t work, but I tried anyway.  The “Anger Stage,” never happened for me.  The car wreck was my wife’s fault.  I never got mad at here or anyone.  I felt that Anger wouldn’t help bring her back.  I guess I was too sad to be angry.  I have had friends and family who had lots of “Anger” to deal with in similar situations.  The “Acceptance” stage didn’t happen all at once for me.  It started a little at the funeral but took years for me to complete. I don’t remember much “Denial” either.  Don’t think that entered my thinking.  Depression came and went for several years after the accident.  Twenty years later “Sorrow” still comes, but it is like a summer time downpour.  It comes without warning and in a few minutes everything is soaked and it is gone.  Quack!

Thunderstorm

If you have comments or experiences please leave them in the comments section below or send a E-mail to blanecallen@yahoo.com

How This Started

Learning to Live after loosing someone you love can be as difficult as it gets.  Death comes in many ways and is never fair.

 

I lost my daughter in a car wreck in Norman Oklahoma many years ago.  My daughter “Allyson” was 6.  My son Garrett survived and my wife Susan was badly hurt Physically and Mentally.  Shortly after Allyson’s Funeral, My mom died of a stress related stroke at the age of 51.

At some point you have to get up after you fall!

At some point you have to get up after you fall!

Recently a friend listened to all the Tragedy I had endured from the loss of my Daughter and Mother only a few days apart.  Time passed and I was still hurting inside. We talked back and forth via e-mail. I realized how much there was that I needed to say and to have some one to listen. During that time she unexpectedly lost her younger brother. While she was grieving she still had time to listen to my almost 20 year old story and provide support. Truly amazing! This site is dedicated to her.

It is a platform for those of you out there who are grieving or hurting. It is a place to tell us about who you lost, what you are feeling or going through, or maybe you just need a way to say “Goodbye.”

It is my hope to gain and share information and comments on how others got through their “Tragedy.”

If you want to provide help or comments that others can benefit from, Click on the “Rules” button and go from there.